Honey, does my neck look red in this?
This play is set in the nucleus of the Arizonian desert, at High Water Ranch. The ranch is located just a little way from Paulden town: a community composed of sparse housing, open plains, one petrol station and a post office. There are also, collectively, more guns in the community than residents.
Miramae
Jim Wallace’s female partner, and sole caretaker of High Water Ranch. Grandmother.
Jim Wallace:
Partner to Miramae. Grandfather figure.
Charissa:
Guest to High Water Ranch. English Grandaughter.
Maggie:
Miramae and Wallace’s dog.
N.B Text contained within an asterix (*) is a thought of the narrator, to be read aloud. These are Charissa’s thoughts, which are not heard by the other characters.
Scene 1
The scene opens in the extensive area of the house, which contains the kitchen, dining room, and lounge. The room in littered with paintings of coyote cowboys and wild stallions; a bronze horse-pulled stagecoach (model) and Moose antlers.
In the kitchen area, Miramae scuttles around. Even under her baggy hoodie, it is noticeable that her frame is slight. While she unloads the dishwasher, her papery skin stretches over her bony fingers; her face looks soft, but it is embedded with deep-creasing wrinkles from the weather beating. She has thin, golden hair and a large smile of crooked teeth, hidden under an NRA1 cap. She looks fragile - closer to eighty than sixty, but despite appearances she is healthy as a horse.
Jim Wallace sits at the dinner table. He wears a red plaid shirt, jeans, and a large, gold belt buckle, engraved with a cowboy. His belt cuts under his rotund belly, showing off his figure; meanwhile, a white bushy trail lines his upper lip, and cuts down either side of his mouth like a nutcracker. He chews a tooth pick, which causes his horseshoe beard to rustle and bristle. He speaks using a distinct cowboy drawl.
Charissa sits on a bar stool observing the scene before her. She is eighteen, with messy blonde hair and an atheletic build. She has perfected an attitude, which allows her to challenge and question her grandparents’ opinions but to not be held responsible - to be forgiven as naive and innocent.
It is breakfast time, around 8am on December 20th 2009. Maggie rests her head in Jim’s lap.
WALLACE
Maggie, it’s too early for blow-jawbs! ( Guffaws in delight) *nothing like coarse sexual jokes as a side to cereal*
MIRAMAE
Jim...
WALLACE
Do you warnt me to behave myself?
MIRAMAE
Please. ( Smiles pleasantly)
(There is a pause while everyone continues on with what they were doing)
WALLACE
So Curissa, did you sleep well?
CHARISSA
Perfectly fine, thank you.
WALLACE
When I went past the baathroom, I had to put the toilet seat down. If you down’t the dawgs will drink from the bawl. You gotta put the seat down.
CHARISSA
Why don’t you just stop the dogs drinking from the toilet bowl...?
WALLACE
No, YOU just need to put the seat down.
*It is marvelous to know that he has us humans well trained*
WALLACE
Miramae, what is for breakfast?
MIRAMAE
Cereal and bah-nana.
WALLACE
Will you get me the cereal then... (Miramae goes to get the cereal, she hands it to Jim) On the raydio this morning it says that Oh-bama is trying to push the health bill into congress for voting. He is trying to get it finished by Christmas.
CHARISSA
(Including herself in the conversation) Isn’t that a good thing? He is trying to create a similar system to the NHS...
WALLACE
What? No, it is nawt a good thing! This health bill will cost us billions of dawllars, and will put us further into debt.
CHARISSA
But in the long run, everyone will have cheaper access to Health care.
MIRAMAE
(Sitting down at the breakfast table) No, he wants to exclude everyone who is unhealthy. Smokers, obese citizens, people with dangerous jobs - they will not be included because they are ‘causing themselves damage’. And elderly people will be excluded: so after years of contributing taxes we will be cast aside...
WALLACE
...And everybawdy knows this, so nobawdy wants it to happen. So Oh-bama is playing dirty: if he puts it into congress now, the members of Congress are more likely to pass it.
CHARISSA
Why would they do that, if this bill is so terrible?
WALLACE
If they vote no, they would have to stay in congress longer to resolve the bill and decide an alternative. They wanna go home for Christmas!
CHARISSA
So you are insinuating that the members of Congress will pass the shortest bill, not the right one?
MIRAMAE
Exactly.
CHARISSA
That is ridiculous! The government’s purpose is to protect and benefit citizens.
WALLACE
The government doesn’t care about you!
CHARISSA
What about Obama? He was elected because he wants to improve the American life. He embodies hope... He wouldn’t have got into office if he was so corrupt.
WALLACE
Oh-Bama is joke. He got into power because Jay-Z said how great he wars - he isn’t change, he is the second coming of Hitler! Oh-Bama just walked right into awffice because Bush made the Reepublicans look so ridiculous: it was a grand scheme that Bush was in awn.
CHARISSA
There isn’t even a comparison between Hitler and Obama! Hitler murdered hundreds of innocent people, think about the Jews...
WALLACE
(Speaking matter-of-factly) The only reason the Jews were killed is because they gave up their guns...
*Unbelievable! This is getting more ridiculous*
MIRAMAE
(Returning to the Hitler-Obama debate)...And people ignore the fact Obama is a Muslim. His name is Hussein! His immigration policies usher Muslims into our country, so we have terrorists running around America. We will become the minority culture, victimized by Muslim extremists.
CHARISSA
Excuse me?
WALLACE
There is a revolution coming; the dark ages was caaused by the war between Muslims and Christians, ya know.
CHARISSA
I think you have overlooked one key thing here - that democracy’s is ‘power of the people’, and we decide etc. None of this will happen because the citizens, including the WHITE members of Congress do not want this. No one wants a war or mass cultural genocide!
MIRAMAE
(In a rather nochalant manner) Democrats are violent. By nature they are violent people.
So automatically they want to kill all the white Christians? Doubtful.*
CHARISSA
(Trying not to appear offended) So you think I am violent, Daddy is violent, all your other children and grandchildren are violent?
MIRAMAE
By nature, yes, you are violent.
CHARISSA
(Unable to control herself) I am not the one who carries two guns in her handbag! Nor am I the person who has a rifle in the bedroom corner, and a handgun under their pillow.
The tooth fairy would get a nasty surprise under their pillows!*
MIRAMAE
(Indifferently) So what?
( Jim leaves the table to clean his pans with butter, while they simmer on the stove.)
CHARISSA
Well, why do you have two guns in your handbag?
MIRAMAE
In case someone tries to rob me.
CHARISSA
If someone robs you, you would shoot them?
MIRAMAE
Yes, I do not want him to take my purse.
CHARISSA
But theft and shooting someone are not equivalent! You would be prosecuted for assault.
MIRAMAE
No, it would be self defence2. If he threatened me, I would not want him anywhere near me so I would try to kill him.
CHARISSA
The life of a person is more valuable than a few credit cards, and paper money!
MIRAMAE
Would you rather me just lie down and be raped?
CHARISSA
There has been no mention of rape... We are talking about theft!
MIRAMAE
(With an air ridicule, as if she is certain that this will undermine Charissa’s argument) Oh, so there are degrees at which it is okay to shoot people?
CHARISSA
Off course there are degrees! Taking someone’s life isn’t a black and white scenario. Punch the thief...
MIRAMAE
But he could still rob me, he would be stronger than me - I HAVE to shoot him!
CHARISSA
Shoot him in the shoulder, arm or hand so he can’t use his gun or rob you. You don’t have to kill someone to stop them!
(The conversation continued for a number of minutes, until Charissa realised she was fighting a lost cause.)
CHARISSA (picking her concluding question) ... so why do you have TWO guns in your handbag?
MIRAMAE
(nonchalantly) In case the first one isn’t loaded.
*(Sarcastically) Brilliant! It’s reassuring to know the point of that conversation reached her*
CHARISSA
Okay, let’s leave those guns alone then. What about the rifles and handguns in your bedroom? I assume they are there if someone broke into the house.
MIRAMAE
Yes.
CHARISSA
But who would want to break in, you don’t have any expensive equipment here?
MIRAMAE
Well, the Iranians will want to capture the ranch when they create the blackout.
*Oh, this is going to be interesting*
CHARISSA
What blackout is that?
MIRAMAE
The Iranians have created weapons of mass destruction, which they can explode over America to block out the sunlight. And while the US is in darkness they will overrun the country, killing people and taking their land.
CHARISSA
(Slowly) Right...so you have your guns to defend yourselves from that?
MIRAMAE
Correct.
CHARISSA
So at this moment, it looks like we are sailing towards a totalitarian state - either the government, the Muslims or the Iranians will dictate us. (Mocking, but without Miramae or Wallace noticing) Crikey, so it is rather bleak. I had no idea!...I suppose I am just too young to really understand these sort of things.
WALLACE
(Eavesdropping from the kitchen) Well, it is people like you that keep the democrahtic party afloat, you DAWN’T understand so you believe all their propagaanda.
CHARISSA
(Sarcastic, whilst nodding enthusiatically) I suppose your right.
(Charissa sees the conversation has ended, and excuses herself from the table. She turns off the kitchen light.)
WALLACE
Why did you do thaht?
CHARISSA
To save electricity, (playfully) reducing your carbon footprint.
WALLACE
Hah! Nawt that bullshit too. (Charissa looks confused, so Jim swells his chest ready for a second round) Global warming is all propagaanda! Al gawre has no proof, he just created it for financial benefit...
*Oh, for goodness sake. Here we go again.*
To be continued.
This play is set in the nucleus of the Arizonian desert, at High Water Ranch. The ranch is located just a little way from Paulden town: a community composed of sparse housing, open plains, one petrol station and a post office. There are also, collectively, more guns in the community than residents.
Miramae
Jim Wallace’s female partner, and sole caretaker of High Water Ranch. Grandmother.
Jim Wallace:
Partner to Miramae. Grandfather figure.
Charissa:
Guest to High Water Ranch. English Grandaughter.
Maggie:
Miramae and Wallace’s dog.
N.B Text contained within an asterix (*) is a thought of the narrator, to be read aloud. These are Charissa’s thoughts, which are not heard by the other characters.
Scene 1
The scene opens in the extensive area of the house, which contains the kitchen, dining room, and lounge. The room in littered with paintings of coyote cowboys and wild stallions; a bronze horse-pulled stagecoach (model) and Moose antlers.
In the kitchen area, Miramae scuttles around. Even under her baggy hoodie, it is noticeable that her frame is slight. While she unloads the dishwasher, her papery skin stretches over her bony fingers; her face looks soft, but it is embedded with deep-creasing wrinkles from the weather beating. She has thin, golden hair and a large smile of crooked teeth, hidden under an NRA1 cap. She looks fragile - closer to eighty than sixty, but despite appearances she is healthy as a horse.
Jim Wallace sits at the dinner table. He wears a red plaid shirt, jeans, and a large, gold belt buckle, engraved with a cowboy. His belt cuts under his rotund belly, showing off his figure; meanwhile, a white bushy trail lines his upper lip, and cuts down either side of his mouth like a nutcracker. He chews a tooth pick, which causes his horseshoe beard to rustle and bristle. He speaks using a distinct cowboy drawl.
Charissa sits on a bar stool observing the scene before her. She is eighteen, with messy blonde hair and an atheletic build. She has perfected an attitude, which allows her to challenge and question her grandparents’ opinions but to not be held responsible - to be forgiven as naive and innocent.
It is breakfast time, around 8am on December 20th 2009. Maggie rests her head in Jim’s lap.
WALLACE
Maggie, it’s too early for blow-jawbs! ( Guffaws in delight) *nothing like coarse sexual jokes as a side to cereal*
MIRAMAE
Jim...
WALLACE
Do you warnt me to behave myself?
MIRAMAE
Please. ( Smiles pleasantly)
(There is a pause while everyone continues on with what they were doing)
WALLACE
So Curissa, did you sleep well?
CHARISSA
Perfectly fine, thank you.
WALLACE
When I went past the baathroom, I had to put the toilet seat down. If you down’t the dawgs will drink from the bawl. You gotta put the seat down.
CHARISSA
Why don’t you just stop the dogs drinking from the toilet bowl...?
WALLACE
No, YOU just need to put the seat down.
*It is marvelous to know that he has us humans well trained*
WALLACE
Miramae, what is for breakfast?
MIRAMAE
Cereal and bah-nana.
WALLACE
Will you get me the cereal then... (Miramae goes to get the cereal, she hands it to Jim) On the raydio this morning it says that Oh-bama is trying to push the health bill into congress for voting. He is trying to get it finished by Christmas.
CHARISSA
(Including herself in the conversation) Isn’t that a good thing? He is trying to create a similar system to the NHS...
WALLACE
What? No, it is nawt a good thing! This health bill will cost us billions of dawllars, and will put us further into debt.
CHARISSA
But in the long run, everyone will have cheaper access to Health care.
MIRAMAE
(Sitting down at the breakfast table) No, he wants to exclude everyone who is unhealthy. Smokers, obese citizens, people with dangerous jobs - they will not be included because they are ‘causing themselves damage’. And elderly people will be excluded: so after years of contributing taxes we will be cast aside...
WALLACE
...And everybawdy knows this, so nobawdy wants it to happen. So Oh-bama is playing dirty: if he puts it into congress now, the members of Congress are more likely to pass it.
CHARISSA
Why would they do that, if this bill is so terrible?
WALLACE
If they vote no, they would have to stay in congress longer to resolve the bill and decide an alternative. They wanna go home for Christmas!
CHARISSA
So you are insinuating that the members of Congress will pass the shortest bill, not the right one?
MIRAMAE
Exactly.
CHARISSA
That is ridiculous! The government’s purpose is to protect and benefit citizens.
WALLACE
The government doesn’t care about you!
CHARISSA
What about Obama? He was elected because he wants to improve the American life. He embodies hope... He wouldn’t have got into office if he was so corrupt.
WALLACE
Oh-Bama is joke. He got into power because Jay-Z said how great he wars - he isn’t change, he is the second coming of Hitler! Oh-Bama just walked right into awffice because Bush made the Reepublicans look so ridiculous: it was a grand scheme that Bush was in awn.
CHARISSA
There isn’t even a comparison between Hitler and Obama! Hitler murdered hundreds of innocent people, think about the Jews...
WALLACE
(Speaking matter-of-factly) The only reason the Jews were killed is because they gave up their guns...
*Unbelievable! This is getting more ridiculous*
MIRAMAE
(Returning to the Hitler-Obama debate)...And people ignore the fact Obama is a Muslim. His name is Hussein! His immigration policies usher Muslims into our country, so we have terrorists running around America. We will become the minority culture, victimized by Muslim extremists.
CHARISSA
Excuse me?
WALLACE
There is a revolution coming; the dark ages was caaused by the war between Muslims and Christians, ya know.
CHARISSA
I think you have overlooked one key thing here - that democracy’s is ‘power of the people’, and we decide etc. None of this will happen because the citizens, including the WHITE members of Congress do not want this. No one wants a war or mass cultural genocide!
MIRAMAE
(In a rather nochalant manner) Democrats are violent. By nature they are violent people.
So automatically they want to kill all the white Christians? Doubtful.*
CHARISSA
(Trying not to appear offended) So you think I am violent, Daddy is violent, all your other children and grandchildren are violent?
MIRAMAE
By nature, yes, you are violent.
CHARISSA
(Unable to control herself) I am not the one who carries two guns in her handbag! Nor am I the person who has a rifle in the bedroom corner, and a handgun under their pillow.
The tooth fairy would get a nasty surprise under their pillows!*
MIRAMAE
(Indifferently) So what?
( Jim leaves the table to clean his pans with butter, while they simmer on the stove.)
CHARISSA
Well, why do you have two guns in your handbag?
MIRAMAE
In case someone tries to rob me.
CHARISSA
If someone robs you, you would shoot them?
MIRAMAE
Yes, I do not want him to take my purse.
CHARISSA
But theft and shooting someone are not equivalent! You would be prosecuted for assault.
MIRAMAE
No, it would be self defence2. If he threatened me, I would not want him anywhere near me so I would try to kill him.
CHARISSA
The life of a person is more valuable than a few credit cards, and paper money!
MIRAMAE
Would you rather me just lie down and be raped?
CHARISSA
There has been no mention of rape... We are talking about theft!
MIRAMAE
(With an air ridicule, as if she is certain that this will undermine Charissa’s argument) Oh, so there are degrees at which it is okay to shoot people?
CHARISSA
Off course there are degrees! Taking someone’s life isn’t a black and white scenario. Punch the thief...
MIRAMAE
But he could still rob me, he would be stronger than me - I HAVE to shoot him!
CHARISSA
Shoot him in the shoulder, arm or hand so he can’t use his gun or rob you. You don’t have to kill someone to stop them!
(The conversation continued for a number of minutes, until Charissa realised she was fighting a lost cause.)
CHARISSA (picking her concluding question) ... so why do you have TWO guns in your handbag?
MIRAMAE
(nonchalantly) In case the first one isn’t loaded.
*(Sarcastically) Brilliant! It’s reassuring to know the point of that conversation reached her*
CHARISSA
Okay, let’s leave those guns alone then. What about the rifles and handguns in your bedroom? I assume they are there if someone broke into the house.
MIRAMAE
Yes.
CHARISSA
But who would want to break in, you don’t have any expensive equipment here?
MIRAMAE
Well, the Iranians will want to capture the ranch when they create the blackout.
*Oh, this is going to be interesting*
CHARISSA
What blackout is that?
MIRAMAE
The Iranians have created weapons of mass destruction, which they can explode over America to block out the sunlight. And while the US is in darkness they will overrun the country, killing people and taking their land.
CHARISSA
(Slowly) Right...so you have your guns to defend yourselves from that?
MIRAMAE
Correct.
CHARISSA
So at this moment, it looks like we are sailing towards a totalitarian state - either the government, the Muslims or the Iranians will dictate us. (Mocking, but without Miramae or Wallace noticing) Crikey, so it is rather bleak. I had no idea!...I suppose I am just too young to really understand these sort of things.
WALLACE
(Eavesdropping from the kitchen) Well, it is people like you that keep the democrahtic party afloat, you DAWN’T understand so you believe all their propagaanda.
CHARISSA
(Sarcastic, whilst nodding enthusiatically) I suppose your right.
(Charissa sees the conversation has ended, and excuses herself from the table. She turns off the kitchen light.)
WALLACE
Why did you do thaht?
CHARISSA
To save electricity, (playfully) reducing your carbon footprint.
WALLACE
Hah! Nawt that bullshit too. (Charissa looks confused, so Jim swells his chest ready for a second round) Global warming is all propagaanda! Al gawre has no proof, he just created it for financial benefit...
*Oh, for goodness sake. Here we go again.*
To be continued.
