Ext
Ancient Mesopotamia
Morning
Two mesopotamian men stand outside their neighboring huts in front of mailboxes. They chat idly while we hear sounds of hunting, gathering,and building.
ASSUR
Good morning Zumabu, the gods smile upon us this day..
ZUMABU
Ah yes, the sun god has emerged and blesses us with her light.
ASSUR
Indeed.
ZUMABU
Say, did you…
Enter An ancient newsboy, on an ancient-looking bike.
NEWSBOY
Extra extra. Read all about it!
The newsboy hurls an enormous stone tablet newspaper at Zumabu, and it hits him square in the face. Zumabu falls over and stands back up with an enormous bump on his head. He reads the headline on the tablet.
Newsboy exits on bike.
ZUMABU
By jove! The king’s friend’s daughter was sacrificed to the river god. This is going to be a good planting year.
ASSUR
That is wonderful news! Say, how come my news tablet hasn’t arrived. The ancient scribe rode so promptly to your dwelling.
ZUMABU
Pshh, judge not his haste. He’ll arrive when he arrives.
Enter the newsboy.
NEWSBOY
Extra Extra. Read all about it!
He is holding a larger tablet. The newsboy throws a tablet twice the size of the first at Assur. It hits him square in the crotch. The news boy exits. Assur falls over and writhes around on the ground for several seconds. He then gets up, unphased, and reads the headline:
ASSUR
Ah! Do you remember our good friend Ishmeni? He was killed by his news tablet this morning.
ZUMABU
(Reading the tablet)
They found the price of pterodactyl meat pressed into his sternum. $4.75!
ASSUR
Ridiculous! Those prices keep going up!
ZUMABU
Well…at least he died informed.
ASSUR
Looks like his son will have to gather the morning tablet now.
The newsboy slowly rides back by the dwellings, but this time he has lost control of his bike, because the tablet he is carrying is so much bigger and heavier than the previous tablets.
NEWSBOY
(out of breath)
Extra…(gasp) Extra… (gasp) read all about ...it!
The newsboy throws the enormous tablet, and it cuts both Assur and Zumabu clean in half. The tablet lands with their top halves sitting on top of it. Assur and Zumabu are both still alive, and are reading the tablet.
ZUMABU
My word! There is much news today!
Assur is reading the tablet for a few moments. Then gasps and points at the tablet.
ASSUR
Gods be praised.
ZUMABU
Oh?
ASSUR
Rihanna is with child!
They both look at each other and chuckle.
End
